


kakashi-sensei's mystery lover feat. team 7

by coffeetabledaydreams



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto)-centric, Gen, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Naruto is Just Naruto, No Smut, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto Friendship, i wrote this back in june but i never put it up anywhere, kakashi-sensei's sex life, sakura is Annoyed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 05:06:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16947561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeetabledaydreams/pseuds/coffeetabledaydreams
Summary: Okay, but what is Kakashi really hiding under that mask?(EDIT: please don’t read this it’s even more shitty than I remember. lookin at you discord fam)





	kakashi-sensei's mystery lover feat. team 7

“Kakashi-sensei, can we _pleeease_ stop for food?” Naruto whined, drawing out the vowel as he skipped ahead of the rest of his squad. He stopped in the middle of the path, digging his heels into the dirt, and turned around, giving Kakashi his best kicked-puppy look. “Look, there’s a traveler’s town up ahead, they’ll definitely have ramen!”

 

“Shut up and keep walking, _dobe_ , we had breakfast an hour ago,” Sasuke grumbled, but there was no fire behind his words.

 

“ _Teme_ ,” Naruto responded childishly, sticking his tongue out.

 

How they had become friends - best friends - was anyone’s guess. Not long ago, Sasuke would have scolded Naruto for the most trivial comments and would have jumped at the opportunity to land a solid punch on him; now, he was perfectly content with Naruto skipping along at his side. Sasuke supposed that sure, maybe saving each others’ lives multiple times had played a somewhat important factor in their relationship, but he never would have imagined that he would be best friends with a boy he once considered a hindrance to his aspirations.

 

“Sasuke? Oi, Sasuke!” Reality came back into focus in the form of Naruto’s fingers snapping in front of his face. He looked up to see Naruto, his wide blue eyes inches away from Sasuke’s nose, and Sakura, who was standing a few feet behind him, peering nervously over his shoulder.

 

“He’s not dead,” Naruto announced. Kakashi looked up from the newest volume of _Icha Icha_ disinterestedly.

 

“Kakashi-sensei, if you don’t mind me asking, what sort of content is in those books?” Sakura asked interestedly, peering forward in an attempt to read a paragraph from the book.

 

“Nothing a young Genin like you should have to worry about,” Kakashi said smoothly, sliding the novel into his back pocket. “After all, one of the Legendary Sannin did write it. Some of the material might be beyond your current levels of comprehension.”

 

“Oh, come on, it’s probably just some book about the naked girls the Pervy Sage peeps on in the women’s baths.” Naruto frowned. “Kakashi-sensei, why _do_ you read Jiraiya-dono’s books, anyway?”

 

“I’m pretty sure none of the stuff in there is appropriate for your maturity level, dumbass,” Sasuke grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets. “If Kakashi-sensei needs masturbation material to make up for the big fat zero times he’s gotten laid, let him read the stupid series.”

 

“Sasuke-kun!” Sakura looked scandalized. “That’s no way to talk about our sensei!”

 

“You really think Kakashi-sensei is a virgin?” Naruto demanded.

 

“Well, I don’t know for sure how much action he’s gotten over the years, but look at how advanced his jutsu is - I doubt he had time for girls when he was perfecting that.”

 

“Are you kidding? Look at the mask, Sasuke. He has that on for a reason.”

 

“To hide his gigantic buck teeth?”

 

“What?” Naruto yelled. “No, his stunning good looks, obviously!”

 

“If he looked so good, why would he need to hide half his face under a mask?”

 

“They’re at it again, aren’t they?” Kakashi asked Sakura, looking up from his book, which he’d somehow gotten back out during Naruto and Sasuke’s argument.

 

Sakura sighed. It was so _typical_ of them to start an argument over their squad leader’s sex life.

 

“Guys?” she tried. “You’re hogging the path, I don’t think people are appreciating walking around you two. Also, is it really necessary to argue over Kakashi-sensei’s-“

 

“It’s not an argument, it’s a heated debate!” Sasuke exclaimed.

 

“It’s not like you’d understand anyway, Sakura,” Naruto agreed, sticking his tongue out at her.

 

Sakura narrowed her eyes. She was aching to join the discussion, but she was trying to hold off out of respect for her sensei. “Yeah? Try me.”

 

“Sakura-chan, there are too many pretty girls in Konoha, Kaka-sensei has to have screwed at _least_ one,” Naruto huffed.

 

“I can’t see any woman wanting to be with Sensei; he’s too much of a perv. He’s reading _Icha Icha_ because he’s sexually frustrated, and nobody wants to get with him _because_ of what he’s reading. It’s a vicious cycle.” Sasuke shook his head. “Women have standards, Naruto. Not like you’d know, though.”

 

“Exactly-” Sakura paused, unsure who she was agreeing with. Sasuke had a good point; their sensei couldn’t be reading _Icha Icha_ just for kicks, but then again, Naruto also made quite a compelling argument.

 

“You see what I mean? She doesn’t understand.” Naruto crossed his arms, shaking his head. “Girls can be so indecisive.”

 

“First of all, that’s sexist, and second, don’t you think we would have seen Kakashi-sensei flirt with at least _one_ girl on all the missions we’ve gone on? He’s a virgin, plain and simple. He knows he could... _seduce_ someone if he wanted to, but he isn’t ready, so he holds back.” Sasuke frowned at Naruto. “I’ll admit that Sensei has potential, but that might just be because he isn’t showing us some sort of horrific imperfection behind that mask.”

 

“Okay, he could just...leave the mask on during sex!”

 

“That doesn’t work on _so_ many levels!”

 

“I don’t know, okay! Ask Sakura!”

 

“Sakura’s opinion is invalid! She couldn’t pick a side!”

 

“I think Kakashi-sensei has a girlfriend!” Sakura yelled, finally acceding to the voice inside her screaming to join in. She hated to side with Naruto, but he had a point -- Kakashi-sensei didn’t seem like a virgin at all.

 

By now they had stopped in the middle of the dirt path, and travelers were stepping around the four ninja, cautiously giving them a wide berth in case things got violent.

 

Kakashi eyed his students warily as they turned to him for his answer.

 

“Which is it, Sensei?” Naruto pressed. “Do you really have a girlfriend?”

 

Kakashi sighed. “You’re all wrong.”

 

“What?!”

 

Kakashi fixed them with a bored expression before lifting his headband to show the eye that possessed the Sharingan.

 

And he fucking _winked._

 

“I’m actually married to Umino Iruka.”

 

“IRUKA-SENSEI?”

 

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

 

“Oh god, I’m gonna need some extra-strength brain bleach-“

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this in june and never ended up posting it anywhere. i was going through my drive and found this and...i couldn't not post it  
> i think i was trying to write sasunaru fluff? but then i watched that episode where team 7 tails kakashi and tries to get him to take off the mask and then this fic happened
> 
> real talk though, i agree with sasuke, kakashi's reading icha icha for a reason


End file.
